"I am no more or less important then a single spoken word; or a symphony of sound."
That seems to be the question for all true philosophers, watching the world change as it always is; growing and dieing at once. What does it all mean? ...Does it mean anything? Why are we able to even comprehend such thoughts as living things?
I believe we can never know. As the universe shifts, the things we once knew as fact seem to as well. We can always look back but a few generations, and smirk at some of the thoughts they has that we disproved. Once, it was "fact" that the earth was flat. Once, it was "fact" the earth was the center of the universe. Once, It was "fact" that we had a meaning instilled in us. But as time ebbs and flows forwards as it always has... one comes to the realization that we hardly know anything about the more complex things in the universe and even in life itself, in consciousness.
My whole life as I saw it, had a meaning. I did not really care to be "happy", did not care for myself, really. I felt more important then myself, and never really understood it. Being born with the mind of a dragon, the soul perhaps, I always looked at the world unlike most others. I saw my suffering as a necessary path to help others not suffer - To sacrifice myself for a better cause. As a dragon I felt it was my duty even in all the power I felt inside to use it to effect others and never myself. I let this life and world stomp on me countless times. However, I was born with a strong heart, a cold intellect. I always found the same meaning in the pain, and always could survive and claw back up to my feet. I never fell too far, never let myself be quite that exposed. My heart and soul were not untouched, hidden from the world that could see the damage.
I lived like this for most my life. I always hated myself for doubting that "great honor" that "duty". I grew resentful inside, but I let kept my pain hidden. Silver eyes show nothing but what looks into them, so none knew what I would not offer. After all, I was a dragon, right? Invincible willpower and dedication. So they took, and took... and I let them. They benefited, would grow strong....then leave, like all the others before. A few stayed, some trusted as brothers from a beast who knew not true trust. But when I stopped living for them, started living for me, most of them then took and fought for what they seemed to feel was their right from me.
...I felt something breaking inside me. Felt this pain, like fire in my blood grace my every waking moment just under every thought, every well planned move for another. I felt something inside me rise, a burning hate that even had it's own mindset. I grew more cold as I fought it, the pain of my "duty" feeding it. It would at times attack me, or attempt to attack the world around me. It seemed to want to kill and destroy everything, as I wanted to give and let the world destroy me; to die in honor of making a difference. There were times he grew so powerful I almost died with his invisible yet chocking hands over my neck, crushing my will to breathe. I always thought it something evil, something that only took and hurt.
Then I met her.
She unlike the others did not take. Never asked for anything from me but simple time once a while to talk of nothings, or meaning to things others never think about. She got to know me, and I felt myself become close to her, even from so far. I felt a odd sense of something right with her... Something honest, like the feeling of a safety I had never cared for before. She grew close enough to know about all the things I believed... But she did not see my silver.
She saw without needing eyes deep in my crystalline blue eyes, and saw the pain rooted inside me that even I had denied for so long that It was a part of life for me.
I for the first time saw myself.
"I hate what I am and how cold I have to be to not suffer.
But Suffering cold is a more appealing then burning up.
...I have lost nothing, really. But I can't make the right people happy in life. The one's who matter.
And it's fine, because it has to be.
I'm the same as always have been, in a way.
I have new knowledge, new wisdom. But I'm still just what I am, I guess, stuck like I'm doomed to be or whatever. I'm a dragon. I'm cold, thinking, calculated.
My mind is a much better tool for making the world better.
My will won't break.
My heart can.
So I protect the only risk to my strength.
...If I knew how to make things better I would...
But this is the only thing that I have to hold on to, and I don't want to just fall because no one is going to catch me."
I was lost. I had slivered my eyes at the world so long that I did not remember how they looked anymore, stopped thinking of myself so hard that I forgot what I was, forgot that I even was at all. I felt only as a force, living, breathing, just to do my duty I clung to until my claws began to break.
...She questioned my cold values.
"You defeat yourself before you ever begin. In that sense I don't think you'll ever have lasting happiness. Just short-lived ideas. Hopes.
Suffering is not what breeds weak men - it's the lack of effort put into risking that pain. Perhaps hateful isn't the right word for you...you just seem....tame. I guess. To me anyway. Just another product of a society that grows ever better at beating your ideas out of you."
I then realized something that I never understood in my eyes, for it never meant anything to me. I never exposed myself to feel true honest pain, I was simply cold and blind, wandering in the darkness and clinging to making others safe that I was growing weak and dead. My body remained strong, but the heart was frozen over in stone, my soul never thought to have meaning but to be given for the world that would greedily take and take from me forever.
"...You defeat yourself before you ever begin..."
I struggled with this concept for a long time. What do I matter? I knew the "WHY" to why I was here, it was to make the world a better place however I could so I could have honor in death. To never be forgotten.
...But I had forgotten myself long ago.
I then became more vivid in my colors. I felt for myself more, began to ask things I never did before. I always said the meaning of life, was a life of meaning. To make yourself something, to change it for others to try and get it to be a better place. I still see that. But now... I see that I am a world in myself, as we all are. I too mean something, am worthy of being saved. Not always the one to do the saving a broken world for nothing. I had a immense worth, and someone saw it. They did not try to take from it to make theirs more, they merely shared a bit and allowed me to do the same. They too seemed lost, trying to remember something they had forgotten. Over time, we simply shared more freely, trusting each other in simple ways and enjoying the honest company. For once, I was safe and felt... like I had some worth other then a tool.
No one has seen the horrible pain I allowed the world to still inflict on me even then. I kept my rage inside, I kept the pain inside. I did not let it take as much perhaps; but I still did not know myself. I saw glimpses and they were breaking me, for she saw it in me. The whole time I was so focused on getting to her core, to earn her "as a dragon should" and to make it blindly fighting towards a feeling of something I never had before. Home.
I never had a need for a home, I felt safe in the fact that a death would release me, and come when I earned it. But I was foolish. I was not chained to duty or honor, like I believed for so long, not really. Those chains were held in my own claws, my blindness caused by my refusal to look at myself, scared of my anger and possibility to fail this world and my kin. I never looked inside, but tried to mold myself over and over into something correct, to change myself to feel right.
"...You defeat yourself before you ever begin..."
Those words haunted me. I feared myself, and did not trust myself without the honor and duty to guide my every move. My strength was false to my needs and soul, and I began to see that it was me that held the chains. I attacked myself and knew not else what to do but dig and tear until I found the truth... felt a pain I actually could see again. I never found one. I was only looking for the evil in me and trying to remove it, trying to become something pure... But nothing came from it but more pain I could not get to and feel properly.
I realized then that I was dead, or dieing. I was losing the fight against myself, for I was just scarring myself deeper and deeper trying to take parts out I thought wrong. I kept losing parts of myself or hiding them. She saw... But I did not know how else to fix the non-existent problem with myself. Trying to tear out parts of what made me, "evil" or not.
...I was a fool of a dragon, as blind as the masses I guided.
I have opened my eyes ever so recently... but it is hard to accept at once.
We are born as we are. Dragon, Human, Otherkin; we are all the same in some aspects. To survive and become something you don't take from yourself, you don't kill parts of you that you might not get back. I was her world, and I was removing whole continents from being seen. I was what was killing us, not some dark part of me but my inability to accept what I am. Both light, and dark. Your flaws, help make you. Your pain, helps drive you - and shows the world the damage - shows you the damage. I see so many wounds in me now that I blindly carved into myself that I know why the ones I love and trust are so hurt. I will not be walking that path again.
"You defeat yourself before you ever begin."
I am not defeated yet, but I was close. It was tearing apart the very life I breathed, the very core of my beliefs hidden by ones that were improper. I am, yes, capable of great good. Yes, I have honor... But I also have needs, goals, dreams and a heart. I have something that means more to me then the question. I see myself clearly now. I am not going to restrict my movement for the world any longer, I will move as I see right and work for myself before I destroy myself and those that see me inside a shell.
I woke today and decided it is time.
It was time, long, long ago.
I do not walk for honor and duty. I do not walk for the world. I walk for me, for my wants, for my dreams and goals and for others I care about enough to walk alongside with. I was born a leader but followed all the same - just lead myself blindly; if one could imagine a thing.
I'm no longer looking in. I don't need to look, I can feel it. I can allow it to guide me, this thing I cannot name other then myself. I can look outside, without fear for I know I trust it. If something is going to be hurt or saved it will be honest, not forced honor.
Does it matter the deepest reasons? Does it matter so much that I need to focus on it?
The why is always changing. Always growing. My goal, has not, in it's own way. I go to change my life because I want to. To make myself happy. I see myself happy with those I deem true kin and friends not with the blind honor of serving a world or a cause.
~ "I am no more or less important then a single spoken word; or a symphony of sound."
Perhaps not to the world. But to my world, I am. To her, I am.
As much as she is to me.
Some things are more valuable then others, just not in a way you can see. So I stopped looking so hard. You can feel those things with your heartbeat, your tears, your fear. You can't be true to yourself if your heart is left out. You can't be happy if you don't know when to cry. You can never be courageous if you don't accept your fear.
You can't fly if you allow yourself to drag your wings for others. Then when it is needed and you feel it, like I do - It wont work right and you will hurt yourself and those who trust you deeply enough to allow it.
I stand tall, no longer unable to feel pain because I'm heartless. No longer fighting my tears and denying my pain from feeling. No longer fearless because I see things I can fear.
That fear...those tears, my heart...
They feel again. Their is a burden on me now from what I have done for so long to myself.
But now I can see it, and cast it off.
You can look into my eyes and see me inside.[/size]