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Everything Dragon
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Temporary Passage into my mind

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Dradolan

"You know I have found out a few things about you, Sam."

"Hm?"

"You have a good sense of humour, always smiling but very cynical"

"Sounds pretty good to me."

"Yeah I think so."

 

A conversation I had with my driving instructor. Hearing that makes me feel pretty good considering how emotional I can be at times. I gained my sense of humour over the years due to comedy shows and logical/rational thinking. To the point my humour makes me cynical to a lot of things around me. I rarely take ads seriously (Thanks Gruen Transfer) and during movies I constantly comment on the scene, acting and plot devices like I was a movie critic (thanks MST3k). I am completely missing the whole point of watching these things and I kinda wish sometimes I would just take something for what it is and didn't form a cynical opinion of it. As for the smiling part, I generally smile when i drive. Because I'm either nervous, amused or stressed. I can't help to smile when driving with my driving instructor, it is also funny and flattering when I f*** up something, remain smiling but more or less calm.

 

"Have you gone to that job agency in Cleveland? Maybe they have some useful information for you."

*Face palms and breathes heavily*

"Sam?"

"Honestly if you think that there was information down there for me to grab don't you think I could be trying to get back into their books? When I signed up I wasn't a high needs individual. I was the second lowest level because you and Dad are earning a lot. Including the fact we have a roof over our head and no mortgage I can't get anything from Centrelink therefore I don't need as much help from them (employment agency) to get a job. All they could ever do for me is set a time for me to come down and search/apply for jobs that I have probably already applied for at home."

"Oh fantastic. It is just like that other employment agency."

"Mm. Oh yeah."

 

A conversation I had with my mum a while back. During Christmas i was really lazy and it got on mum's nerves real bad (worried and stressed her out as well). We had 2 conversations and it was all sorted out. This one was some time after it and it was on much better terms. I am feeling for a completely new career. Or at least something else for me to learn or do. My Diploma has done me squat because the state government is a dick and got rid of so many IT jobs across QLD. Federal Gov has done alright to make new jobs, Opposition (who is in control of my State gov) just got rid a whole bunch. IT people sacked so what are they doing? Looking for work, naturally. Making it harder and impossible for a starter like me to get anywhere. F*ck you Campbell Newman. You may be doing some good but you aren't doing any good for me. Career expo is being run this weekend as my Mum pointed out. I am surprisingly looking forward to it. I want to do something productive, not sit around feeling depressed, hopeless and useless.

 

"You're very cynical, Sam."

"Thanks?"

"You just gotta give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge so quickly."

"I'm only human"

"Doesn't give you an excuse. I remember when you were so blissfully happy and innocent. Always jumping into everything. I miss that."

 

I judge people quickly because they (seem) are morons, need help or are wrong. Besides if I don't judge then someone will judge me first. I don't care if I am wrong. Sure I'd be a bit embarrassed and apologetic innerly but it makes me attach to people more. Oh and don't all Christians judge people? Durr hurr we proclaim that God is the only one allowed to judge us yet we do it hurr hurr we mustn't be Christians. Go to hell you f*cking haters. I don't give you the sh*ts about the hell you believe in. I'm human as the next bloke, princess, bimbo, goof, twat and prat out there. The last bit my Mum said effected me because I felt horrible. I ain't the little boy she knew and it made me wish I was for her. I like to be aware of my existence and understand sarcasm. It does make me wish there was this innocence that we all would have and would never leave. I remember a good friend of mine saying he wished he had it. The innocence to be just happy and not understand the bad things of life. I get that, but it wouldn't be the life for me.

Dradolan

Every single fricken time I search for IT jobs I get that. Nothing and I mean nothing has been successful for me because I either don't have a car, cannot drive OR have experience. Well excuse me I would have some f***ing experience IF SOMEONE GAVE ME A CHANCE. Sheesh. Go stick your head up your arse and make yourself less flexible for when a job needs done. Jobs across the world doesn't expect EVERYTHING on the list and times are tough. You can break a finger nail by helping someone to be able to do their job!

 

Go stick your dick or precious flesh in a meat grinder. Finding out that I don't have a car or a drivers license when I stated so in my cover letter every single damn time you asked me to send more information. DON'T get my hopes up you prick.

 

Oh and Dominos, go **** yourself because I am only unsuccessful in getting a job with you because I am 19 and not some 14 year old prat. Just because you make your pizzas smaller than it should be doesn't mean you should short changing the public by not except someone desperate for a job because they are too old and *gasp* require a BIGGER WAGE OH MY GOOOOD.

 

Ok ok. I ranted about those things, now the explanation. I'm looking for work. But every single opportunity seems to be taken away because either of age, car or experience. I would have experience if someone gave me a chance. Times are tough for companies but you really aren't going to improve your stature in public if you won't accept jobs from those who are unemployed. Funny thing of all of this, none of these employers give a flying **** when they say 'Sorry you are unsuccessful in your application'. They have no heart, no sympathy. Just robotic systematic dull syndrome with a nice slice of I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Because of this I have moments where I don't even try looking for work because I am so let down of myself because I am rejected for such petty things that could be just accepted and helped. My friend got a job which required him learning to drive a van very long distances repairing vending machines and the such. THAT employer was accepting of him and was nice enough to allow my friend to have that job, even if it made him having to *gasp* drive some time. He was also nice enough to write down the information required for my friend to tally his hours to get that P he now proudly owns. Gee wizz you so acclaimed proud companies who have been around for years. You think you could suck up and accept someone like that? No of course not, that would put you at someone's level and that is wrong. Good for you.

 

I am finding myself more depressed, angry and agitated as days go by. Which is why I go lazy and not do a damn thing because no one wants a guy who completed a IT 'diploma' who has 'no experience', who doesn't have a car and suffers from Chronic Fatigue. That would be too hard for the company to handle and might break a fingernail. For that very reason I applied myself for some volunteering work. Because EVERYONE wants a volunteer. Because it requires no money. You don't pay for someone to spend their time doing work.

 

I am being too harsh there though. I volunteered myself to a Human Services sort of thing. Helping disabled people with computers seems like fun. I dearly hope that will be considered experience with people. Otherwise I will backhand these so called 'proud', 'acclaimed' and well known companies (who btw I have NEVER heard of until looking for work on stupid seek.com) so hard I might consider changing industry because it would be a clear message that the IT industry are full of whiners (including myself), stuck up bastards and pedantic employers.

Dradolan

Draw meeee draw meeee

blog-0580581001347149313.pngOh give me a rest.

 

This is a built up angst over the years of people whining to artists (SFW and NSFW) to draw them for free. Why???? Because they don't have the money. I understand it is a hard time these days, we all feel it one way or another. But if you have ANY consideration for those who try to make a little living from drawing, to ask them for free art. Why the hell do you even try? It's mean, pathetic, low and greedy to do such a thing. I rarely get myself drawn. Only times it got drawn for free is when someone was offering it. I don't go up to someone, unless they stated they are doing free art, to ask about it. Because it is polite, it is considerate. It makes me tell myself 'Hey buddy. I think you've had enough.'

 

This spawned once more today when a young member on Dorg made a thread pretty much saying '*Name* Great Art Request*. I don't really want to say this to his face, because I worry for him and how he is going and nor will I say his name here. But seriously man, **** you. How dare you ask everyone for free art. I mean. Where is the consideration? His actual post was incredibly self centred, greedy and etc. It infuriated me to see him like this. I'd rather be worried for his wellbeing rather than be angry at him for making a selfish thread. To be fair he is only 14 and I have seen other 14 year olds or close around to that age doing the EXACT SAME THING on dorg years ago. Terrible trend it is.

 

Why am I worried for this boy's sake? I won't say too much but, he has a terrible family life. Stereotypical asian parents who have high expectations and when it is not meet they abuse him verbally or physically at times, I believe. I only met his Mum at an event when I was a leader on a camp and he was a camper. His Mum while didn't really intend to be intimidating, she was VERY intimidating looking. He just wants to feel loved, be accepted for how well he can do rather than what is expected of him. He is also hiding a secret of being 'gay' but obviously his parents won't like it. I try to not get to emotionally involved, because I don't know the whole story. I had a friend in RL who told me a lot of fibs about what was going on at home. His Mum said a lot of it were lies and said that he did this and that. I almost got thrown out of their house but she was gracious enough to let me stay. I wrote an apology before leaving when my Mum picked me up. She turned to me and said,

'I have never been so embarrassed about you in my life.' To which I turned to her immediately and said,

'ExCUSE me??? You're embarrass- excuse me who's friend just lied to me so many times, got me into a strife that I didn't want to get involved with and feel terrible? I never felt so backstabbed in my life and you are you are embarrassed? I'M EMBARRASSED.'

 

I don't want that to happen again. But I do my best to keep track of this kid. Regardless of how annoyed I am about his selfish post or not, I worry for his wellbeing because, his life could be so much better. His parents are terrible and awful people from what I hear.

 

Oh and here's a picture of a free art that was given to me with me asking. I like this picture so much I don't like asking for free art every again. Same goes for my current avatar. I love them. Therefore I don't want too many more.

Dradolan

blog-0129487001346912510.jpgYeah, I don't understand my title very well either. This blog in many ways is a vent for me because I have dealt with a lot of people over the years. Indulge if you can.

 

Ok so, the last time I was here was in 2010 on the first of February. Those who remember me from those times, tell me what the hell I was? I can't remember. Mustn't been great if I forgotten about it. What I am now? A job seeking fellow looking for a starter IT job in the city or my area. I was studying at TAFE (College) since 2011 and finished this year. Been searching for work since around the end of June to the beginning of July. I was learning IT Networking and accomplished an Diploma, if you are curious to what I was studying.

 

Since I can't really remember what I was like 2 years ago I will just evaluate myself here.

I believe that I am a dragon in soul/spirit. If not, hold a connection with one. If however the whole thing is false, it wouldn't really bother me now. I would hold onto the concept of my persona very personally and say to myself 'It was good times.' Well, I hope. Dragon form of which is a yellow gold dragon with white underbelly and brown mane/furry tail. I look at this dragon and think 'Wow. He looks WEIRD.' considering dragon's don't generally have fur. But who knows? Maybe some did? How the hell would I know? I am not living in the past!

 

On that note, since my first 'awakening' (what a stupid word) in 2006-2007, to around 2009-2010 I have been a quite unrealistic in how I carried myself out. I mean really, back then I tried my hardest to be a dragon, as a human. How sad. It disappoints me now that I did that, because I know very well that I am human and that if I am a dragon. WHO GIVES A S***. I don't see any reason to not be my boring, lame and sarcastic self. Hell, sarcasm is good fun, certainly breaks the ice in conversations. I gained my sense of reality and acceptance of WHO I AM from NezDragon and J'Karrah, a Christian and a Witch. For that I am in their debt, otherwise I would be still trying to act like a dragon or force myself to fit in. Which is a really sad concept to me.

 

Nowadays I am finding myself in their position. Newcomers at Dorg (to which us members call instead of Draconity.org) come in bursting with questions and really are over their heads. Two of which almost seemed to have lost their way when it comes to this belief. Being a 'dragonkin' has NOTHING to do with freaking roleplay. It has NOTHING to do by the way that you act around others. Because when you are a 14 year old kid, it is just freaking creepy. Good lord, glad those kids are heading in the right direction now. Because it is more important to find the self esteem inside yourself and accept of who you are rather than rely on a figment of your beliefs and what you make of it. Isn't that one of the main reasons people discover they are dragonkin? That they are SO unhappy about being who they are that they find a creature that really draws them in?

 

Not a positive stereotype (but it is a stereotype if majority of it is true and has/keep happening/ed), but dragonkins are as follows.

Overweight

Loner

Low Self esteem/depression

Mental conditions (aspergers)

Wanting to be cool (fitting in)

Overly obsessed individual

Anxiety issues

 

I'll be honest here, 4 of those fitted me years ago. Now only 2 generally fits with me. I am a bit of a fat loner, which by no means are terrible things. None of those things are themselves terrible. It is how we come across, portray ourselves and feel about it. A fat loner kid suffering from depression and possibly other issues gets obsessed with dragons. Probability? High or related cases to that description to the whole Otherkin belief. I accept that I am overweight, don't really care about it but if I have to walk I will walk. Depression? Dear lord I was depressed a lot. Because of my low self esteem of not wanting to be who I am. Anxiety issues? I hated people. Still distrust and dislike many people. Use that as an excuse to be on the safe side by saying 'rawr i'ma dragon and I ****ing hate people!' is not ok. It is PITIFUL. Because it shows that the person in question has had bad experiences with family, friends or people in general. Or, completely of their loops of being a decent human being. Which would say 'I don't like you, so go away' to someone they don't like.

 

From what people that I know has told me, I went from

'Oh, well... I am sorry to hear that. I don't agree with you there but I see no reason to pursue you.' To,

'Oh wow you must feel terrible being in this bad position. Even when you did this and this. Of course you are the true and only victim.'

I have gained a good level of assertiveness now. I can't tolerate people like I use to though. If someone is saying something that isn't quite right, sounding stupid or anything that I need to tell them the blatant truth of the situation and give them the ol eye opener. I will. Not always a good thing, but tough love is better than pure white sugar coating.

 

These days I listen to more music longer than I use to. Mostly to do with the fact that the songs themselves are longer. I listen to Doom metal and Black metal, not pure black metal though. I enjoy the ambient and post-rock/metal integrations into the music (Though I do like some normal black metal). I still enjoy my ambient, trance and electronic songs from time to time. But I am more of a metalhead. A friend of mine has gotten me into a lot of space and other atmospheric themed music. I blame him for a lot of my music too.

 

Because I love music so much, I started to learn the piano in 2009, still going these days. Even when I haven't had a lesson since November 2010. I will share some of my music for you guys in a later blog.

 

My pardons for the long blog. I doubt any of you would read it (seeing as how active this place is, can never be too sure).

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