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And Like A Little Girl Cries In The Face Of A Monster That Lives In Her Dreams

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Pandemonium

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Is there anyone out there? cause it's gettin' harder and harder to breathe.

 

I don't know how many of you read this thing, but, this entry's gonna be a little different from the randomness that I usually reserve ED for. I wanted to keep my troubles and such from here, and let this be a place for happy, whimsical things, but I feel I need to say this stuff and I can't on my other blog because the people involved definitely check it and will see it at some point.

 

I'm stressing out, so, if you read this, I'd love any help you can give. The thing that gives me trouble is the two most important people in my life; my best friend and my boyfriend. My best friend is my other half and my brain-to-brain sister. My boyfriend is my heart and I love him more than anything - it took ten years for us to get together.

 

Now, you might think that everything sounds perfect. It's not. My boyfriend is insecure, and, because of lighthearted comments I make revolving around Stuart Townsend (if you don't know him, look him up, he's in Queen Of The Damned and League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and other things he thinks that a) I don't want him and b) that I'm sick of him but am too nice to drop him. I haven't a clue what I should do about this. I can't talk to him about it. I can't talk seriously about anything to people I know. I have to make the situation humorous in some way. I love him more than anything else in the world, but no matter how many times I tell him that, and no matter how often I remind him that no, everybody doesn't hate him, and that he's awesome, he won't believe me. He thinks he's not good enough.

 

My best friend...well, it's not so bad as with my boyfriend. But she arrived at school this morning in tears and wouldn't tell me why. She seems ok but when I read my blog it told me that she's feeling really depressed and struggling with stuff. And her confidante? She can't survive without him. Him, not her. Simon, not me. I don't know what to do.

 

And then there's the other thing. The guilt. I get upset at all of this and then when I think about how bad my life seems, that little voice starts muttering:

 

"What are you complaining for, you b****? You don't have it bad. You aren't allowed to be depressed; you need to think of your friends?"

 

I get pissed off and angry too. I was hysterical a while ago, and the strength it took not to drive the shards of pen I was breaking into my arm was almost unbearable. I can't deal with this. The few times I have cut - and I have, once, twice, maybe three times. I told my boyfriend about one of the times - that voice comes back:

 

"What the hell are you cutting for? You fucking emo poser, stop being such an attention seeker. People have it worse than you, and they don't cut. Those that do have it really bad - think of that girl whose blog you read. Your life aint so tough, so stop acting like it is."

 

And then, when I think of myself as an attention seeker, it makes me feel even more of one. I feel like I'm a poser, like I don't fit with anything and the person I try to be isn't real. I'm a fake copy of myself.

 

I keep almost-crying. It won't come properly.

 

That's all. I feel a little better, knowing that someone might read this and give me some advice.

 

Love,

 

Pan.

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Well, i know a lot of what your going through. Similar thoughts and such. So if you ever want to talk, gimme a bell. Id be more than glad to help. Or even just listen.

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